Month: October 2022

We all want our child to have friends. We want them to be happy, and to build the social skills and connections that will help them now and in the future.

Sometimes, and for some children, making friends isn’t easy. This is particularly true after the COVID-19 pandemic. Because of isolation and remote school, many children either didn’t learn the skills they need to make friends — or those skills got rusty.

Here are some ways parents can help.

Start at home: Learning relationship skills

Making and keeping friends involves skills that are best learned at home with your family. Some of them include:

• Empathy. Make sure that everyone in the family treats each other fairly and with kindness. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to sibling fights, or feel justified in snapping at our partner when we have had a long day. No matter what we say, our children pay attention to what we do.
• Curiosity about others. Make a family habit of asking each other about their day, their interests, their thoughts.
• Communication skills. These days, devices endanger the development of those skills. Shut off the devices. Have family dinners. Talk with each other.
• Cooperation. Do projects, play games, and do chores as a family. Work together. Help your child learn about taking turns and valuing the input of others.
• Regulating emotions. It’s normal to have strong feelings. When your child does, help them find ways to understand big emotions and manage them.
• Knowing when and how to apologize — and forgive. This really comes under empathy, but teach your child how to apologize for their mistakes, make amends, and forgive the mistakes of others.

All of these apply also to how you and your partner talk about — or with — other people in front of your children, too!

Be a good role model outside the home, too

When you are outside your home, be friendly! Strike up conversations, ask questions of people around you. Help your child learn confidence and strategies for talking to people they don’t know.

Make interactions easier

Conversations and interactions can be easier if they are organized around a common interest or activity. Here are some ways parents can help:

• Sign your child up for sports or other activities that involve their peers. Make sure it’s something they have at least some interest in doing.
• Get to know the parents of some of your child’s peers — and invite them all to an outing or meal. It could allow the children to get to know each other while taking some of the pressure off.
• When planning playdates, think about fun, cooperative activities — like baking cookies, or going to a park or museum.

Keep an eye on your child — but don’t hover

Ultimately, your child needs to learn to do this — and you don’t want to embarrass them, either. The two exceptions might be:

• If the children aren’t interacting at all, you might want to suggest some options for activities. Facilitate as necessary, and step back out again.
• If there is fighting or meanness on either side, you should step in and make it clear that such behavior isn’t okay.

Keep an open line of communication, and be supportive

Talk with your child regularly about their day, about their interactions, and how things made them feel. Listen more than you talk. Be positive and supportive. Remember that part of being supportive is understanding your child’s personality and seeing the world from their eyes. You can’t make your child someone they are not.

If your child keeps struggling with making friends, talk to your doctor

All parents need help sometimes — and sometimes there is more to the problem than meets the eye. This is particularly true if your child has ADHD or another diagnosis that could make interactions more challenging.

For information on supporting friendships at different ages, check out the advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Follow me on Twitter @drClaire

About the Author

Claire McCarthy, MD, Senior Faculty Editor, Harvard Health Publishing

Claire McCarthy, MD, is a primary care pediatrician at Boston Children’s Hospital, and an assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School. In addition to being a senior faculty editor for Harvard Health Publishing, Dr. McCarthy … See Full Bio View all posts by Claire McCarthy, MD

Making friends and finding social opportunities can sometimes be difficult, particularly for children with neurodevelopmental disabilities, such as autism spectrum disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or an intellectual disability. Here’s what parents can do to help.

Building inclusive communities

Friendships and social connections are an important aspect of our lives. They provide a sense of belonging and allow people to be included in their communities.

People with neurodevelopmental disabilities may communicate, learn, and behave differently. Sometimes these differences make it harder than usual to develop friendships and participate in social activities.

But parents and others can help create more inclusive communities and opportunities to build social relationships, especially for people with neurodiverse abilities.

Below are some tips and strategies to help children learn and develop the social and emotional skills they need to make friends.

Practice at home: Tips for common social situations

Navigating social settings and making friends involve many skills you can practice with children at home.

• Greetings and questions. Make a habit of practicing greetings throughout the day. Model good listening for your child, and take turns asking and answering conversation starters like, “How are you?”
• Calm body movements. Sometimes it can be hard for children with neurodevelopmental disabilities to keep a calm body. Have your child practice giving their body enough room and keeping personal space between themselves and others by using an arm’s-length distance.
• Appropriate level of voice. Encourage your child to listen and match the level of your voice. Imagine your voice has a volume dial and practice turning the volume up and down.
• Eye contact. Looking directly into someone’s eyes can be difficult, so help your child instead look at different parts of your face or practice looking at their own eyes in the mirror.
• Reading and responding to social signals. People regularly communicate using more than just words. Social signals are the variety of ways in which we communicate through body language and facial expressions. Often this can be tricky to detect for children who are neurodiverse. Help your child recognize common social signals by asking what someone’s body or face might be saying.

Rerouting challenging behaviors to help children build friendships

Challenging behaviors may get in the way of making and keeping friends. It is important to address challenging behaviors like impulsivity and aggression through therapies and programming. Additionally, practicing the following fundamental skills can help reduce challenging behaviors.

• Patience. Learning how to wait for a turn to play or a time to speak in a conversation is an important social skill. Practice waiting with a timer, gradually building up from 10 seconds, to one minute, to five minutes.
• Flexibility. Help your child make compromises using first/then statements, such as, “First we play your way, then my way.” Model flexible play and redirect with new toys to show how play can evolve.
• Communicating strong emotions.Handling strong feelings can be difficult sometimes. Practice communicating these feelings effectively either by asking for help, using an emotions board, or taking a break.

How to throw a wide net socially

Encouraging social opportunities is an important part of supporting friendships and social relationships for children with neurodevelopmental disabilities. Social spaces offer chances for children who are neurodiverse to find activities they enjoy. They are able to practice the social and emotional skills they are learning and even meet other children practicing these same skills.

• Structure and organize play dates. Set up the environment before a play date by making a list of activities to do with a friend, then picking out of a hat which activities to do and in what order.
• Make a list of things that are fun to do and invite others to join. Look for free or low-cost programs or events out in the community.
• Connect with other parents of children with disabilities. Set up an activity for your children like an ice cream date, going on a walk, or a game night with adults and kids together. These encounters can give rise to repeat, planned social interactions.
• Check out organizations in the community for children with disabilities, like Special Olympics, or recreational programs that foster inclusive environments through Unified Sports.
• Look into facilitated recreational activities like a Lego club or pizza parties with teachers. Plan to bring a support person if needed.

Your child’s doctor or teacher may be able to suggest additional community or web-based resources designed to help families support friendships for children with neurodiverse abilities.

About the Authors

Sydney Reynders, ScB, Contributor

Sydney Reynders, ScB, is a clinical research coordinator in the Boston Children’s Hospital Down Syndrome Program. She assists in research investigating educational, behavioral, and medical interventions in Down syndrome and other neurodevelopmental disorders. She received her … See Full Bio View all posts by Sydney Reynders, ScB

Nicole Baumer, MD, MEd, Contributor

Nicole Baumer, MD, MEd is a child neurologist/neurodevelopmental disabilities specialist at Boston Children's Hospital, and an instructor in neurology at Harvard Medical School. Dr. Baumer is director of the Boston Children's Hospital Down Syndrome Program. She … See Full Bio View all posts by Nicole Baumer, MD, MEd